What IS THIS?!

In the old notebook I told you about, there's a ripped out page that contains scribbles for the aforementioned kids book, and then three short sentences in a doctor's scratch. I remember that these were recorded one night when I woke from my slumber - I think the words were part of my dream and in a haze, I thought they were so brilliant that they must immediately be saved. Of course, they make no sense. Whatsoever. I guess they're from 2004? Ahem:

1. "The thought of using lard instantly conjures images of adding to lard-ass. So I use oil instead. Ha, ha."

First of all, WHAT? Second of all.. WHAT?!?!?

2. "Says, woman! Make me dinner! But oh no - the only ingredients I have in my kitchen are:"

I want to know the ingredients.

3. "Cause really, when you think 'close Scottish relative,' who doesn't think of the Mexicans? (awkward silence)"

I think this one is my favourite. WHAT?!?!?!?!